“None of my pants fit,” my friend confessed to me during a walk. That’s something I’ve heard a lot about and feel comfortable with – not a single pair of pants will fit after this year. I joined many people in the new clothing shopping club, except that I gained more than just a few kilograms …
It stalked me as last year stretched from horror to horror. Before I knew it, I had gained two sizes of my skirt. The familiar panic sensation made my skin flush when I realized I had to increase in size when shopping for shorts this summer. I’ve been struggling with my weight since elementary school, and the familiar fear of having a body that doesn’t look like I feel is what I thought I had to do. Then there is guilt gaining weight while in a romantic relationship with someone. I still struggle to accept my unconditional love when my body looks different than when we met. This is difficult because in my brain, I am thinner than someone else with a different life. That person may have a boyfriend, but this person never.
“You know it’s just a number on a scale, right?” I heard my therapist on the phone the day before. That number flashed through my mind again, because it was repeated many times a day. What if I think of the number as what it is – body information, which is not tied to my dreams or my friends or even my health, must be like how?
I discussed with a friend the fact that our bodies are made – and even does that mean – different sizes at different times and our weight will go up and down and that’s okay. We are not taught these facts about our bodies until we believe the lies of the culture of diet and the phobia. That stimulated me a little more and made me feel human – just like my right as a human being to go through the natural process of survival and grief of the body. I started thinking about ways to embrace my body as it stood, even if I wanted to take this skin off and run away from it.
So I’m giving myself a chance to really get in this body, has not increased on my old weight from 13 months ago. I walk around my neighborhood so my body feels connected to nature and because I want it to feel comfortable and healthy. I’m buying myself larger sized clothes, in between breaths. This summer, I will swim in the ocean, be it bikini, miniskirt and laugh at louder volume than suitable for brunch. I’ve hated my body for so long and I’m tired of having to wear it. I just don’t want any more. This constantly moving ship has more power to discover what it is still alive.
(Photo by Chelsea Victoria / Stocksy.)