I wondered if I was paranoid, or if I had reason to feel taken advantage of.
My wife and I have two children and have a house of our own. We had tough moments throughout our marriage, but we are in it. In 2019, I got a sales job thinking it would lead to getting paid more. I’m wrong. It took a while for me to start selling with my commissions.
I had to start saving to pay a portion of the bill, usually just over half of what we spent. Incidentally, my wife started making more money with her job and making more money than me in 2019. This percentage is around 60/40.
She knew I was short of money and was spending it wastefully, and offered to “lend me” money to repay the debt. I turned down her offer and chose to borrow money from my company, which they call a “draw”. I was shocked and saddened when she saw our marriage as a business transaction.
‘She claims she doesn’t need to pay any bills because she is currently at home with the kids in COVID, and I give six figures.’
Fast-forward to 2020. Luck has changed. She received an inheritance of $ 200,000, plus $ 40,000 from work as a severance payout after she was laid off in March. The tough sales job I took on actually led me to take on a new job with six-figure salaries.
When I started a new job and my wife got the money, she used part of her $ 200,000 inheritance to spend: a $ 50,000 truck and a $ 20,000 camping trailer. .
the packages arrive every other day, and the remainder is deposited into a savings account.
The problem is like this. She will not pay any more bills. She said she had no income, except for $ 3,200 from unemployment. She stated that she would not have to pay any bills as she is currently at home with the kids in COVID, and I give six numbers.
She also insists on “budgeting” so she can charge for every dollar I spend, and ensures that I will put more money after the bills into our mortgage to pay the house. faster. It felt like I was in a rush, but I couldn’t force her to pay the bills.
Am I a blood sucker?
I was feeling flustered rather than confused when I read your letter. Why does your wife offer you a “loan” instead of adding more money to both get through the hard times? Why doesn’t your wife see her $ 40,000 severance as a form of income from her company? Why isn’t she helping pay the bills she can afford? Wouldn’t that make her feel comfortable being able to participate in running your family? You went a lot of time to pay your way.
‘If a baby is breastfed every minute, it is safe to assume that one child gets married every minute. ”
Of course, you can ask these questions for her, and you’ll inevitably get caught up in a tit-for-tat argument. If we accuse others of acting in a temporal manner, they will inevitably find some examples – whether it is comparable or not – of some of our petty or trivial behaviors. . I’m not naive enough to believe that I, or anyone else, can win a life-long scrapping game, and get rid of it without getting hurt. It can last for many years. Until death you broke up.
And so these questions – while valid – are unlikely to lead to any satisfying conclusions. They will likely open the door to more rooms filled with stubborn indignation over financial failure. Are you a sucker? There is no helpful answer to that question. If a baby is breastfed every minute, it is safe to assume that one child gets married every minute. But what good is it to feel self-pity or dissatisfaction, and engage in another war of will?
The questions you need to ask might be something like: “What happened that led us to this unhappy place where we started the cold war – bank accounts against bank accounts, Entry against inheritance and spouse against spouse? Is this the life we have been planning for ourselves? Because it is not the life I have planned for us, and it is not the life I want to live. What can we do to gain a place of mutual understanding and respect? “
You also need to ask yourself both the hardest and easiest questions: friend Prepare to accept? Where are the red lines in this marriage, the lines that are not acceptable to you, and where are the white lines, the lines that you are willing and able to compromise? Your wife makes extravagant purchases while refusing to contribute to family expenses isn’t an act in favor of a healthy marriage, but it doesn’t come from anywhere.
You have to find out where all of this comes from. It can or cannot be fixed. But you need to ask your wife the right questions – and yours – to find out.
the team where we were looking for answers to life’s toughest money problems. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas. Post your question, tell me what you’d like to know more or consider on the latest Moneyist columns.